It's been so long...

Last update:  1 1/2 years ago.  Holy shit.

It's been a while then, I guess.  Well, I guess I need to get atop my blogging game.  I have a tumblr, which is kind of cool, I guess.  Kind of weird.  Or rather, different.

But things are completely different since I lost blogged.  COMPLETELY.  good or bad, well...that's not for me to judge.  I just merely live the life.

That's all <3

Currently Frankenstein (Penguin Classics) By Mary Shelley see related

What's the problem with Universal Healthcare?

Seriously.

I don't get it.

Fact A:  ABC7-Chicago News:  Sept. 2, 2009;  America spends over 2 billion more dollars in healthcare than the average Universal Health Care system.

Fact B:  All doctors, regardless of where they were schooled, spend 10 years, minimum in health-care training, without including their intern and residency years.  So, it's hard to say that one doctor isn't as good as another.  All doctors are required to do the same work.  The real issue:  money.

Fact C:  Obama is NOT a socialist for wanting Universal Health Care.  Canada has it.  Most of Europe has it.  Obama is a democrat, and democrats focus on social change as a part of their platform.  Internal Improvements.  With so many people in our country without healthcare, how can we aid others if we can't take care of ourselves?

Thoughts for the thoughless:  Universal Health Care is not socialistic.  It's idealistic.  The problem is people fear change.  Obama promised change.  It's not his fault he inheirted a country in debt, it's not his fault he is trying to fix problems that he didn't start and it's not ONLY his fault for the fact that 2/3rd of congree need to approve any of his "promises" before actions can be taken.  In a hypothetical situation:  if you must blame Obama for "not keeping his promises" as is so frequently said, consider that there are other people who are involved.  A presidency is NOT a tyranny, as seen by the workings of politics in America.

  What is the REAL fear of a system in America that provides for everyone and NOT just those who can afford it?

"it's like the more money we come across, the more problems we see"
- Notorious B.I.G.

Ser honesta.

This is an apology for all that went unsaid.
But I'm not apologizing for fixing what you decided to break.

Dear Xavier Spencer Middlebrook,

This is my apology.  Not for what you believe it is for, but instead intended for my own self satisfaction for the lies behind closed doors.  All the ones you didn't know...all the ones you didn't need to know...and all the ones you wouldn't have wanted to know.

I'm sorry for being disloyal.
As a flirtacious individual, I held no bounds as to where flirting would stop.  I would allow it to lead me down roads, underminding all your sayings and cries, despite their volume.  I would "check out" others, boys and men, at the mall, in public or wherever we may have been at the time.  I apologize for having been a disloyal girlfriend.

I'm sorry for cheating.
In certainty, I'm sure you were ignorantly unaware to me cheating on you.  I went to Homecoming with Zach last year, where we danced, as you can imagine highschoolers would dance, and where we kissed, where high schoolers would kiss.  We proceeded into a deeper relationship, but I stopped because of fear.  My mistakes lasted me until now, but I count my blessings that a friendship is stronger than lessons learnt of the past.  However, he wasn't the last.  There were a multiplicity following, all while we were a secret item.  And though our secrecy tore me to shreds internally, externally, I strived and succeeded in being a real teenager, experimenting with the dating scene, and dabbing my fingers in places where I shouldn't have...but I did, and reminiscently, I regret nothing.  There was Mike...he was good, but merely a quiz.  A test dummy.  There was Omar; the last of a regret.  It was not love.  It never could be.  But he was the first one I had sex with after you.  He wouldn't be the last, but he was the first.  So, despite your belief of how you thought my loyalty dissapated into our sex life, i apologize for your misunderstanding.  It was never like that.  There was also Chris, but he did no more than Mike did.  A mere name in a book from here on out.

I'm sorry for being busy.
I was never busy.  I ignored you constantly.  The sound of your voice penetrating silence irritated me to the point that avoiding you prohibited my brain from melting out of my ear.  Not that your voice was that annoying, 'twas merely the words you spoke, the guilt-ridden, selfish, inconsiderate words that you spoke.  Those in themselves were enough to make me want to leave, but somewhere inside, I was, admittedly, attached, for reasons unknown.  But to save my sanity, and the sake of hurting your feelings, I avoided you.  Even after I knew I didn't care for you anymore, when Johnny and I started dating, the sound of your voice was a painfully nostalgic feeling.

I'm sorry for lying.
Because without a lie, nothing else would follow.  A lie is the beginning of what one can call the end.  I've lied to you end on end.  So, perhaps our failure was part my fault.  However, I never made any decision to leave you.  Until I finally did, not because I had to but because I finally wanted to.  That was possibly the biggest truth I'd ever told during our time together.  I'm sorry it couldn't have come sooner.

I'm sorry for your clothes.
Self explanatory.  Nobody is very fond of burnt boxers sitting out on their lawn either.  But that's another story for another homebody in a distant time.

But here is also what I'm not sorry about:  it's much more rather I appreciate what I've learned from you to better myself.

So, as an update, perhaps one you'll never read, personally, here is my final salute to you, Spencer:

As of May 27th of 2008, I have been faithfully involved to John Harrison Sloan.  Two weeks prior to this, he and I had slowly but surely started narrowing our looks down to one another.  During this time, you can see the latter of my apologetic list to where I apologized for lying.  This is where it is found applicable.  I apologized for all my wrongs then, but being the person I am, have learned and bettered myself for a man who deserves it.  I was never busy.  Only busy hating myself.  However, Johnny has made me see different.  At 8:57p.m. or so on May 27th of last year, we started our journey.  It is currently May 29th of 2009, and that makes this one year and two days which he and I have continously dated.  It's been strenuous at points, as many relationships can be, but I can honestly say, John Sloan, has bettered me.  He is not perfect, so don't mistake this as he would be, but in his flaws lies my ability to visually surpass those issues and still love him, whole heartedly, might i add, despite that.  There are a many of things that you and I never overlooked, and perhaps that's what went wrong.  Of all the things we did wrong, I can honestly say you did do something right:  you have showed me what Hell looks like, because now that I have a piece of Heaven, and truly treasure it.  For what you have put me through, never have I once lied, cheated or hurt Johnny Sloan, and with that being said, I never will.  We have had sex, he is the last person I will have sex with.  No polygamy.  Solely monogamy.  Though that may seem obscene, if you compare to my past acts, I can ensure you day after day for the rest of my life that I will uphold these promises:
-I will forever remain faithful to one person and one greatful diety:  Johnny and My Heavenly Father
-I will not let anybody hold me back
-I will be truthful with all my heart
-I will not hurt anyone with intention
And here you should pat yourself on the back, all these things I learned from you, and without you, I would be ignorant and innocent.  Though these traits were fine and dandy 2 years ago,  I originally wrote this May 27th of 2009.  Two years after our initial dating fiasco, and one year following my first step in the right direction, I can now say I fully appreciate what life is.  If not for you, I'd be ungreatful.  I would not be the newer developed version of me, and that, current aquaintance, would only convey shame.

So, Spencer, take these words to live by, but fear the choking of these words conjured up with tears.  Take my pity and apply it where you will.  I said all that I owe you, and more than so, but with it take a newer appreciation for what you have when you had it.  I fear nothing by saying I was a "good" thing, but I only know this now because someone was there at my lowest point to help me believe that, even when it seemed impossible.  Easily said, it wasn't you.  Even more easily said, it never was you.

Salutations to a false hope.

Chicago; love.

Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor on the highway

You know several people who have hit a deer

You have no problem spelling or pronouncing "Des Plaines"

You think Chicago is a completely different state from Illinois.


Your school classes were cancelled because of cold
Your school classes were cancelled because of heat

You've ever had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day

You know what's knee-high by the Fourth of July

Stores don't have bags, they have sacks

You see a car running in the parking lot at the store with no one in it no matter what time of the year.


You end your sentences with an unnecessary preposition. Example: Where's my coat at?" or "If you go to the mall I wanna go with.
"

All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit or vegetable

You learn your pickup will run without a muffler

You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked

You think of the major four food groups as beef, pork, pop, and Jell-O salad with marshmallows

When asked how your trip was to any foreign, exotic place, you say, "It was different.
"

People from other states love to hear you say "Illinois" and other words with "Os" in them.


You carry jumper cables in your car

You know what the numbers I-80, 75 and 57 mean

If your local Dairy Queen is closed from November through March

If someone in a store offers you assistance & they don't work there

If you have ever worn shorts and a parka at the same time

If your town has an equal number of bars and churches

If you have had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number

Vacation means going north or south on I-57 for the weekend.


You measure distance in hours.


You drive 65 mph through a raging blizzard, without flinching.


You design your kids Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.


Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with
snow.


You know all 5 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter, road
construction, & It's Hot.


A brat is something you eat.


You go out to a tailgate party every Friday.


You find 0 degrees a "little chilly.
"

You know the difference between corn and soy beans at a glance.


A "hill" is any landmass higher than 20 feet above sea level.


You know if someone is from southern, middle or northern Illinois as soon as they open their mouth.


When you say "the city" - you mean Chicago.


"Vacation" means going to Six Flags.


You don't pronounce the "S" in Illinois like the rest of the world.


Whenever anyone mentions going out for steak, the first place you think of is Ponderosa.


You know more than one person with a septic tank.


You pronounce the invisible "R" in the word wash.


You know what 4-H is.


You always find yourself yelling at other drivers........especially from wisconsin...why do they go so slow in the left lane?*

You know you are from Illinois when you are pulled over in Wisconsin just because of your Illinois plates...

You know you are from illinois if you see a Casey's General store in any town surrounding your own, including your own.


You know you're from Illinois when hearing about a former governor being indicted doesn't faze you at all.


You pass through Green Bay, Wisconsin, and you shout out the windows "Go Bears!"

It's a crick, not a creek

You say "Wanna go with?" when you mean "Do you want to come with me?"

You know what Kennedy, Dan Ryan, Eisenhower, Edens, and Bishop Ford, have in common and curse one of them daily.


You know the difference between Richard J Daley and Richard M Daley.


You say Chicawgo and not Chicaago.


You think going to a Bears game in single digit temperatures with a wind off the lake (and freezing rain) is fun.


You expect corruption in local politics.


You know exactly how many cars are "legally" allowed to turn left after the light turns red.


You don't know which ethnic "fest" to choose on any given Summer weekend.


The "Living Room" is called the "front room"

The Taste of Ink.

I don't give a fuck what you think, what you heard, what you see or what you say, I'm absolutly in love with this human being and I say that not as if I were infatuated, and not as if this were your typical teenage stereotype, I say this with true, raw, whole-hearted emotion. 

I wish you could meet him.  I wish everybody could and at the same time, I don't wish that at all.  It's like...I want everybody to see the reason I'm so happy.  The things he does...they're the things you only imagine the perfect person, THE PERFECT GUY doing.  I want people to see what I see in him.  This amazing soul, with such genuine uniqueness.  Yet...I don't...because I'm scared they'll fall in love with him, too.

I'm not saying I'm "In Love" with him, like oh so very literally.  I want to.  Not yet.  I can't.  But...the way I've fallen so head over heels for this one person...it's ridiculous.  Now, mind you, I don't say this as if I were any other teenager, because I've known him since last January ['07]  But we've come a long way from there.  It's amazing.  So, I'm not just some random girl and he's not just some random guy and we're not just some random kids saying we're in love with each other, unaware of whom the other truly is.  Because we know one another fairly well.  We were friends before so we had that common basis unlike most people when they start your average relationship.

How could anybody ever break his heart?  Or cheat on him?  As so I've heard.  I don't believe anybody deserves that...but especially not him.  I've seen guys treat girls just down right horribly and I've seen some rude and mean things and ways that boyfriends treat their girlfriends...but him?  He's not like that at all.  He treats me so nicely, even in front of his friends [to my dismay] and it's truly astonishing because a lot of people don't act the same way in front of their friends and their girlfriend/boyfriend.

Then, again, I guess it's the perks of being a friend before a lover.  Make sense?  I mean, being a friend allows you to be comfortable and yourself around that person.  And we're like that.  I know he knows how I act and I'm not afraid to just stick my finger up his nose at random or to titty twist him or anything. 

I truly love the person he is and the fact he does things to see me smile.  Like just holding my hand in public or or or saying something slightly bogus just so he can see me turn away and then look back at him and smile and know that I can't be mad at him like that or kiss me in front of his friends.

I honestly think I may fall in love with him.
It's so terrifying.
And that's why this is different.

Because I'm not scared to fall.
I'm not scared to get hurt.
I'm not scared at all.
Because it'd all be worth it.

<3 Michelle